No More Microwave Prayers

I'm just getting reacquainted with the practice of praying. I've never felt like I was "good" at it, but that just isn't the point, is it?

So a few thoughts.

When I want God to help me with something, I don't just say, "Hey God, I really want this. What can you do about it?" I say, "Lord, I really want this. Please help me act with confidence and give me strength so that I can do my part and trust that you will do yours." In other cases where I'm praying for a certain bad situation in another person's life, I don't only say, "Lord, fix it!" (though I do cry out like this, often!) I've learned to say, "Lord, help them first realize the situation that they are in, to see their actions for what they are (destructive, hurtful, etc). Now, help me know what to say and do to encourage this person out of their sin. Give me courage to act." I have some responsibility in these requests too! 

Nehemiah is one of my favorite prophets. What I love about him is 1) He was in continual prayer with God. Not huge long winded asides that took away from his human interactions, but he had a real continual mental connect with which he spoke every word. Several times, the text says simply "Nehemiah prayed and then spoke." There's this aside I love in chapter 6, stuck between the dialogue and narration--"Now therefore, O God, strengthen my hands." In every thing I must be (and am!) able to relate directly to God. 2) Nehemiah was not afraid to say, God, I did something good just now. 5:19, he says, "Remember me, my God, for good, according to all that I have done for this people." I think this is so healthy. It's the give and take--our actions honor our God, and our God receives and reciprocates our love. It's not a reward--He loves us regardless, but being able to do good and  to be able to say unashamed "remember me for my good" creates the mutual free will relationship that is so important to us and God.

I've also started something I've never been comfortable with before--throwing myself on my knees before God. More on that another time, though.

How easily I forget to trust my God.

I'm on to my next step: Moving back into my mother's house. I'm a wreck about it--cranky, emotional, anxious. All together keyed up. I think this is the reminder that I need to keep my attitude pleasant, calm, and grateful.

³ “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
⁴ Blessed are those who mourn,
    For they shall be comforted.
⁵ Blessed are the meek,
    For they shall inherit the earth.
⁶ Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    For they shall be filled.
⁷ Blessed are the merciful,
    For they shall obtain mercy.
⁸ Blessed are the pure in heart,
    For they shall see God.
⁹ Blessed are the peacemakers,
    For they shall be called sons of God.
¹⁰ Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake,
    For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

               Matthew 5:3-10 

Just thinking about the blessings I have should be enough to keep the hurricanes away! I have two jobs! A roof over my head! A mother who loves me enough to take me back into her home, whose love is patient and kind! Supportive friends who will mourn with me, counsel me, and celebrate with me! An awesome God who created an awesome world!

I pray to remain meek and merciful during the stress of this move, to be mindful of my blessings, to be a peacekeeper when storms come up.

"When a man is full, what can he do? Dance."

From Zorba the Greek.

He is your praise, and He is your God, 

who has done for you these great and awesome things which your eyes have seen.

Deuteronomy 10:21 

I thought I was so alone. That was never the case. I can't say it better than a friend did..."May I point out the perfection of the Lord's provision in sparing you some of the jobs you applied for out of desperation? He was saving you for something so much better!" (May I say that is the sweetest "I told you so" I've ever gotten?) 

God takes care of me so much better than I ever deserve. In His perfect time and His perfect way, He has placed me right where I belong. 

He's made me a teacher.

Remember I got called for two interviews? Well, I cancelled one because while I was at the interview to work as a college writing tutor, talking to an old English professor, he offered me a position as a college prep writing instructor. He thought of me when the spot opened up, said that I was a compassionate person. And that my other English profs agreed I would do well. I can't believe the impression that I left on these men, that this would happen! 

What other proof do I need to know that God has a perfect plan for each of us? 

Something to Keep In Mind During Tomorrow's Job Interview

To You, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
² O my God, I trust in You;
Let me not be ashamed;
Let not my enemies triumph over me.
³ Indeed, let no one who waits on You be ashamed;
Let those be ashamed who deal treacherously without cause.

⁴ Show me Your ways, O Lord;
Teach me Your paths.
⁵ Lead me in Your truth and teach me,
For You are the God of my salvation;
On You I wait all the day.

⁶ Remember, O Lord, Your tender mercies and Your lovingkindnesses,
For they are from of old.
⁷ Do not remember the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions;
According to Your mercy remember me,
For Your goodness’ sake, O Lord.

⁸ Good and upright is the Lord;
Therefore He teaches sinners in the way.
⁹ The humble He guides in justice,
And the humble He teaches His way.
¹⁰ All the paths of the Lord are mercy and truth,
To such as keep His covenant and His testimonies.
¹¹ For Your name’s sake, O Lord,
Pardon my iniquity, for it is great.

¹² Who is the man that fears the Lord?
Him shall He^[a] teach in the way He^[b] chooses.
¹³ He himself shall dwell in prosperity,
And his descendants shall inherit the earth.
¹⁴ The secret of the Lord is with those who fear Him,
And He will show them His covenant.
¹⁵ My eyes are ever toward the Lord,
For He shall pluck my feet out of the net.

¹⁶ Turn Yourself to me, and have mercy on me,
For I am desolate and afflicted.
¹⁷ The troubles of my heart have enlarged;
Bring me out of my distresses!
¹⁸ Look on my affliction and my pain,
And forgive all my sins.
¹⁹ Consider my enemies, for they are many;
And they hate me with cruel hatred.
²⁰ Keep my soul, and deliver me;
Let me not be ashamed, for I put my trust in You.
²¹ Let integrity and uprightness preserve me,
For I wait for You.

²² Redeem Israel, O God,
Out of all their troubles!

    Psalm 25

I Let Go, and Look What Happens.

I said, "God, I've done my part. I've put in hard work, I've always carried myself in such a way as to make an impression. I trust that you are going to take care of me. I can't worry about this any longer."

Today I got a phone call from an old college professor who'd learned I was moving back home. He called to offer me a position in the community college writing lab, a part time, wonderful position in which I get to utilize my Literature degree. Don't think that was lost on me, God. I have a meeting on Monday.

God is good. I don't know why it took so long for this position to come along. Maybe He was waiting for me to let go of MY plans and open myself to HIS.

OKAY HOLD THE PHONE.

Literally as I was writing this I got another call for an interview at the college library!

HOLY BLESSINGS BATMAN.



The king shall have joy in Your strength, O Lord;
And in Your salvation how greatly shall he rejoice!
² You have given him his heart’s desire,
And have not withheld the request of his lips. Selah
 

³ For You meet him with the blessings of goodness;
You set a crown of pure gold upon his head.
⁴ He asked life from You, and You gave it to him—
Length of days forever and ever.
⁵ His glory is great in Your salvation;
Honor and majesty You have placed upon him.
⁶ For You have made him most blessed forever;
You have made him exceedingly glad with Your presence.
⁷ For the king trusts in the Lord,
And through the mercy of the Most High he shall not be moved.

          Psalm 21: 1-7

There is nothing like employment, active indispensable employment, for relieving sorrow. Employment, even melancholy, may dispel melancholy. 

           -Jane Austen

Don't Mind Me, I'll Just Be Stitching.

Even though I'm in a time of transition, I have to keep myself busy, or I'll go crazy. I'm serious about that. If you've ever read the play Danny and the Deep Blue Sea, you'll understand. If I start thinking, "I'm breathing," it becomes nearly impossible to do. As with, "I'm moving," "I'm packing," "I'm saying goodbye."

So I quilt.

I like to quilt...unexpectedly. Like, while watching Jaws or listening to Demon Hunter. By quilting landscapes and local scenes, or using bright batiks for traditional patterns.

I feel like I'm worth something when I'm quilting. When I can proudly say, "I made this." Often times, "For you."

(One good thing that I can see coming from my having to move home, is that my momma is finally going to get her own sewing room. She's already organized an old storage barn in the yard, finally moving out the clutter of four children and 35 years. And she's so happy. I see what you did there, God. Believe me, it wasn't lost on this girl.)

 I'd like to take my stitching a bit further. If it's in The Plan, I'd even like to earn my keep with it. Heck, I'd love it. I even picked out a brand name for my soon-to-be Etsy shop.

So we'll see. And we'll pray.

For the Lord takes pleasure in His people;
He will beautify the humble with salvation.
     -Psalm 149:4

Rains Never Cease

Just when I thought I had this weeks anxiety taken care of, more heaps upon it.

I finished a job application for a library position at the college in my hometown on Wednesday. I expect to hear back in the next week. I expect to be turned down. But I had let that out of hands as I licked the envelope and placed my stamp in the corner.

I did my part, God, now it's up to them. Help me not to worry.

I paid my last month of rent, wrote out my 30 days notice. I finally came to peace with giving up my apartment, though the task of paring down my independent life to once again fit in my mother's back bedroom seems too much to think of right now.

But right now, I feel panic rising in my chest, waves and wind. Another position unexpectedly opened at the community library, a place to which I feel very close. Is this what God's been making me wait for? Self doubt, though, has gotten the better of my enthusiasm. I'm not good enough, no one wants me there! (How silly to think that, as I've volunteered there for years!) Panic, anxiety, self-doubt--how do I control it, when it feels like it's controlling my life?

Right now, I can take the medication prescribed to me specifically for when I can't breath, when swallowing becomes too much, and my voice becomes shaky sobs. Forget about feeling like I'm giving up--I can choose to help myself into a place where I can trust in the Lord, who'll take care of me.

I can see the tear on your face, you feel defeated  

Wondering what are you living for  

Selfish dreams left you time and time, empty-handed  

There's got to be something more

 
You know what you have to do  

Get back to who you know is true

 
When everything is broken there's a door wide open  

You'll find me running through  

More than just emotion, my broken heart has chosen 

Jesus, I'm running to You, I'm running to You

      -Newsboys

When the Hurricanes Hit...

⁹ The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed,
A refuge in times of trouble.
¹⁰ And those who know Your name will put their trust in You;
For You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.

          Psalm 3

²² Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
²³ They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
²⁴ “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“Therefore I hope in Him!”

²⁵ The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,
To the soul who seeks Him.
²⁶ It is good that one should hope and wait quietly
For the salvation of the Lord.
²⁷ It is good for a man to bear
The yoke in his youth.

         Lamentations 3

"There is a stubbornness about me that can never bear to be frightened at the will of others. My courage always rises with every attempt to intimidate me."

--Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

“Do you know why the Indian rain dances always worked? 

Because the Indians would keep dancing until it rained.”
― Sherman Alexie

I have trouble with anxiety. I have trouble trusting God. I have all these little hurricanes swirling around me.

My personal hurricanes:

1. Being unemployed.
2. Rejection letters.
3. Wasting my newly acquired BA degree (English Lit/ Visual Studies)
4. Loosing my apartment.
5. Moving back in with my parents.
6. Loosing out on friendships and relationships because of family.
7. Not giving enough to my family.
8. Feeling like I have to do everything by myself.
9. Feeling like I am a failure.
10. And nobody cares.

The list goes on. 

If I ask for help, is that giving up? What if I just took a break from worrying? From trying? What about medication?

A friend of mine (a very wise friend indeed) said that I needed a Sabbath Rest. His wife (another very wise friend) advised me to focus only on what's next? And they both told me to read the Psalms, to relearn how to pray, to put my trust in Him. There is a plan, though I don't see it.

Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger
    or discipline me in your wrath.
² Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;
    heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
³ My soul is in deep anguish.
    How long, Lord, how long?

⁴ Turn, Lord, and deliver me;
    save me because of your unfailing love.
⁵ Among the dead no one proclaims your name.
    Who praises you from the grave?

⁶ I am worn out from my groaning.

All night long I flood my bed with weeping
    and drench my couch with tears.
⁷ My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
    they fail because of all my foes.

⁸ Away from me, all you who do evil,
    for the Lord has heard my weeping.
⁹ The Lord has heard my cry for mercy;
    the Lord accepts my prayer.
¹⁰ All my enemies will be overwhelmed with shame and anguish;
    they will turn back and suddenly be put to shame. 

               Psalm 6

So what is next? 

Pay August rent. Give 30 day notice. 

Wait to hear back on one last job application.

Sew a few Farmer's Wife quilt blocks. Read The Bean Trees. Yoga.