I finished a job application for a library position at the college in my hometown on Wednesday. I expect to hear back in the next week. I expect to be turned down. But I had let that out of hands as I licked the envelope and placed my stamp in the corner.
I did my part, God, now it's up to them. Help me not to worry.
I paid my last month of rent, wrote out my 30 days notice. I finally came to peace with giving up my apartment, though the task of paring down my independent life to once again fit in my mother's back bedroom seems too much to think of right now.
But right now, I feel panic rising in my chest, waves and wind. Another position unexpectedly opened at the community library, a place to which I feel very close. Is this what God's been making me wait for? Self doubt, though, has gotten the better of my enthusiasm. I'm not good enough, no one wants me there! (How silly to think that, as I've volunteered there for years!) Panic, anxiety, self-doubt--how do I control it, when it feels like it's controlling my life?
Right now, I can take the medication prescribed to me specifically for when I can't breath, when swallowing becomes too much, and my voice becomes shaky sobs. Forget about feeling like I'm giving up--I can choose to help myself into a place where I can trust in the Lord, who'll take care of me.
I can see the tear on your face, you feel defeated
Wondering what are you living for
Selfish dreams left you time and time, empty-handed
There's got to be something more
You know what you have to do
Get back to who you know is true
When everything is broken there's a door wide open
You'll find me running through
More than just emotion, my broken heart has chosen
Jesus, I'm running to You, I'm running to You
-Newsboys
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